Christmas aka Miss-mas?

Alright, so this might be a lame post but I'm tackling one of the topics on my list. My deadbeat & absent father. Simply because, as of late, he hasn't been so absent. Which is making me realize I would much rather him be absent. Alright peeps, grab a blanket & your favorite beverage & settle in. My choice for the evening? A fat glass of Riesling, & probably several ciggy breaks.

Let me start my saying that my father & I have never truly had a great relationship. My parents divorced when I was 7 (I am now 22,) & our relationship has been pretty strained ever since. My father has always abused prescription drugs & alcohol. He had periods of sobriety, which lasted for most of my parents' marriage, & then periods where he was... Well, not so sober. Let me give you an example; one night my mother met him at his house (after the divorce, obviously, & per his request,) & when she showed up he was wasssted, they argued, & he pushed her through a door. She was bruised & battered from head to toe, thanks to my father. Once when I was about 5 or 6, I accidentally closed my sister's fingers in a door. My father became so enraged & upset with me, he said 'Here, let's see how you like it.' & put my fingers in the opening of the door, ready to slam to the door on them. Thanks to my mother, my fingers were saved. These are just a few of many examples of life around my father. But then, there are also happy times. He used to take my sister & I to a park, that for some reason no one else seemed interested in & so we were typically the only ones ever there. We would grab a blanket & some lunch, & head to the park. It was awesome. He was also that dad that could build & make things.. He built me an awesome swing set that I loved. He used to read to me at night when I was really little, & when I was tired of all my books, he made up stories for me. My mom said that when she was pregnant they bought a teddy bear for me (his name is Cuddles & yes, I still sleep with him!) & my dad would put a diaper & some baby powder on him & carry him around the house, patting his diapered tush the whole time. He said he loved the sound of the diaper being patted & it reminded him of a baby. He & my mother spoiled my sister & I rotten. We were incredibly lucky to have everything we did & I lived, truly, a dream childhood. My parents got divorced, & everything I knew changed. We had to sell our amazing house & move in with my grandparents & really, I stopped seeing my father. My mom sent my sister & I to 'divorce recovery' classes which emphasized that nothing was our fault. Personally, I think my mother had done a wonderful job explaining things to us, because I knew it wasn't my fault, it was something between my mom & dad that wasn't going to mean anything 'bad' for my sister & I.

When I was around 9 or 10, my mother had sole custody & my father earned a little more custody than he had before (he previously had supervised visits, visits in public places, no visits, etc.) We visited for 2 hours each Wednesday & every other weekend. This seems like very little, but to be honest, it was all my father could gain. He constantly battled my mother in court, trying to drag her through the mud in front of the judge, just to gain more custody. He was occasionally given extra time with us, but failed to use it. Every. Single. Time. When I was about 11, I started wising up to his game. He claimed he wanted more time with us, but in between visits, never called just to chat. Let me just go ahead & say, my mother was totally unbiased when it came to discussions about my father. She knew eventually my sister & I would see him for what he really was, but until we discovered it on our own, she didn't want to influence us, & I think, she wanted us to have as many happy times with our father as we could until then. But I will never forget the day I figured my father out.

My father's birthday is on the 4th of July, & therefore a holiday. My parents alternated holidays with my sister & I. We had worked out an agreement for Christmas & Thanksgiving so that both of them could enjoy us, not just one. But on 3 day weekends like Memorial Day & Labor Day, they took turns each year. However 4th of July, was always my father's because it was his birthday. This particular year, I think I was 11 or 12, he claimed it wasn't his year for us. My sister & I were so young we just accepted this & moved on. My mother knew this was one of his usual BS lies. One year my mother kept us for 4th of July because we were on vacation in Hilton Head, my father had us the next year, & used this to justify his 'it's-not-my-turn' excuse. My sister & I called him the day of his birthday to wish him happy birthday & asked if we could come over & give him his gifts. He kept insisting it wasn't his turn, & then finally he admitted he was at a hotel downtown for the holiday enjoying the fireworks for the evening from the sweet view of his room. I was heartbroken. I couldn't believe he didn't want to see us & on top of it, didn't want us there with him, having fun. I don't think my sister ever really understood, as she was so young, but I understood. I understood my father had better things to do than celebrate his birthday with his kids. After that our relationship went downhill. I stopped participating in the weekend visits & ultimately distanced myself completely from him. He & my stepmom told us they would never get my married, they had both 'been there & done that' (my stepmom once & my father twice,) but literally the next weekend they announced they would be married in a small ceremony with just family & close friends present. My sister & I were the flower girls & were allowed to wear whatever we wanted.... We both wore black.

After those events, I couldn't stomach my father anymore. There were attempts at therapy in which my father fabricated his actions/reactions as well as entire events that had happened between us. I decided therapy was useless if he was going to lie his way through it & stopped going. My father & I have gone several years without speaking or interacting at all. Usually, the only time we see each other is at Christmas when he picks my sister up for 'his turn'. It tears me up every year. He always brings me gifts & they break my heart probably the most because they show he knows nothing about me & the things I like. Don't get me wrong, I could care less about material gifts, but it's symbolic of the fact that he hasn't spoken to me all year long & hasn't spent time with me because the gifts are the opposite of anything I would ever want or need in my life. So every year at Christmas, I can't help but think of the hole he's left in my life. As the years have gone on, I've adapted & been able to push these feelings to the back of my heart but it never fails... Christmas comes around & that hole burns. It burns because I want a father in my life. I want the father my friends have, the father my mother has, the father Bo has, the father I never had but always wanted. Ya know, that dad that checks on your car, tells you when to get gas & oil, the father that gives you money 'just because', & the father that sits in the living room with a shotgun, waiting up, when you go on your first date. The father that feels your lows & celebrates your highs, the father that is there no matter what time you call, the father that, in spite of himself, can't help but love the love of your life when he meets him because he knows you do. The father that STILL scares the shit out of you when you do something wrong. But will be the one there to bail you out of jail. The father that cries when you take your first step, get an A+, go to prom, & walks you down the aisle. That guy. That's what I've always wanted, but just never had.

My grandpa & my uncle are an incredible blessing in my life & they have been there & cared for me through so many things. Probably more things than an uncle & a grandpa should have to. But they love me & I love them... More than they know. & I wonder if God, or whoever, has a plan for me. I know I'm a strong person & I feel it's everything I've been through with my father that has been part of what's gotten me there. I have firm footing & a good head on my shoulders. My mother has been an amazing figure in my life because for a long time she served as both the mother & father, & I can't imagine how hard that was. I thank her because I feel it's everything she's instilled in me that has allowed me at 22 to stand on my own & be completely independent. Needing no one. Paying my bills, my rent, & putting myself through school on my own. I truly feel my father is unlucky, because he hasn't been part of my life.

Just when I think everything is good though, here comes my stepmom, out of the blue, calling me & sending me letters, asking to start a relationship, ensuring the door is open on her end to receive whatever I put out because she wants to be in my life. Theeeen my dad calls. The call from my stepmom rocked my world, as did the letter, but DAMN that call from my dad knocked me down. He shot the shit with me, acted interested in my life, & like a moron, I was optimistic. I thought 'Hey, maybe he really wants to make an effort. Maybe he's talked to his wife & decided to put forth the effort to re-build our relationship.' W-R-0-N-G. He had some insurance BS to talk out. He just wanted to beat around the damn bush & ease into it. Great. I told him I'd take care of it & hung up. But I couldn't stop thinking what if? What if I had actually been right & he wanted to actually get to know me again? & honestly, I don't know what I would do. I know I would be suspicious because of our past, but would I want it at this point? Would I be so suspicious about his motives that I would even be able to have a truthful relationship with him? He asked me what I would do if my child had told me to 'leave them alone,'....... I said I would go through hell & high water to get to my child. I would walk through FIRE to be with my child. & unfortunately, he just doesn't feel that way.

Sometimes I want to blame my father for things, & while that worked for a little while, I decided to stop being an excuse & at times, a statistic. I've read all kinds of things about girls with 'Daddy Issues' & I am determined not to be one of them. Every time I think of something I want to blame my father for, I change it. Plain & simple. I've got too much to live for to be caught up in excuses that, really, have nothing to do with the person I am & want to become. I am proud of myself, I am STRONG & I CAN get past him & his mistakes. The only question is how long it will take for me to be truly, & I mean really & truly, at peace with this man. He has been such a block in my life at times, & a simple phone call knocked me on my ass for the rest of the day, because I simply couldn't handle it. When & how will I get to a place where this doesn't happen to me anymore? I'm debating therapy, but am still not sure. I'll keep the blog posted on what happens, if anything, but in all honesty, I feel better just getting it out. Just venting & putting it all on paper.

That's all I've got.... X0X

Did I mention...?

I made my first wreath!

Pretty cute for a first-timer huh?!? I love it, I think it's festive & fun which is why it's already on the front door! :)

Also--- What happened to my pictures on the sides of my blog?!?! I'm so sad they're gone!! I'm hoping it's just a freak accident & that they'll come back, but if not I'll put them back up!

Planning = Success!

I noticed the date of my last post was October 21st, so as far as I'm concerned, under a month is me getting better! Kudos!

Alright, let's get serious. It's nearing the end of the year & for most that means the Holidays with their families, friends, loved ones, etc., Christmas shopping, Holiday parties, & looking forward to the New Year. While this holds true for me as well, there is one other thing just looming when the end of the year approaches... Time to get a new planner. This can be a very stressful thing for me because the planner for 2010 allows me a month of the New Year to find a new planner, but after that month, I'm cut off from planning in an organized manner. Thus ensues my end-of-year, must-find-a-planner full blown anxiety. Scratch that, 'anxiety' is putting it pretty mildly. Let's call a spade a spade here... I completely panic. Finding a planner should really not be such a daunting & intense task, & for most, it's not. Find one, at a good price, & move on, (I would say check it off the to-do list, but these people probably don't even use to-do lists. Ugh.) But for me it's a whoooole other story. I am incredibly picky about a few things in my life, & my planner is one of them. It holds my life within it's covers! It holds my life together.

I guess I should mention the other things I'm a little picky about:
* My hair. It has to be cut & colored to my liking or there will be hell to pay. Trust me.
* My jeans. Yes, denim jeans cause me much stress & most do not fit my criteria. I'm not even going to explain how I have to have them because it would exhaust you. But basically, they have to be comfortable, not flared but not skinny leg, no fading on the thighs, (some exceptions can be made, but the fading must make it through a second round of picky-ness.) holes are acceptable, but again, there is a second round of criteria holes must pass, & they have to make my booty look good. I don't have a whole lot back there, so that takes a very special pair of jeans. This is the much abridged version of the jean-selection process.
* & my purses. Don't worry, I'm not as anal about purses as I am about jeans, but I'm still pretty picky. I can't explain it but it has to be just right. Functional, not too big & not too small, black, brown, beige or gray ONLY. That's about it. & while we're at it, I might as well show you my idea of heaven in purse form. See below, & prepare yourself for fabulous.

Le Speedy 35 & my life-long Love


Also acceptable for spring/summer is The Damier Azur Speedy 35... Mmmm, yummy!

See my point? I'm really being good this year so maybe Santa will bring me a special treat under the tree! ;) I could lust over those bags all day long if someone would let me. Along with my love for Louis Vuitton. Let's just say obsessed & leave it at that.

So! Back to the task at hand; the 2011 planner. I've narrowed it down to two options, both of which have some major pros. Which is making it so hard to decide! So I'm just going to lay it out, pics & all, & maybe it will help me come to some decision.

My first option:



Presh on the outside (see pink w/ polka dots,) functional on the inside (it's hard to see with this picture, but each day has an accompanying box for a to-do list, if needed... Love that!) & the full calendar view, which I also love because it let's me see how the entire month is laid out in one glance.

My second option:

Let me quote the website on this one;
"These useful and unique daily agendas are full of frisky fun! The colored tabs make for happy planning. ['Happy Planning'! Eeee! My heart leaps with joy!]
17 month agenda (August 2010 thru 2011) complete with weekly and monthly calendar pages, dates to remember, contacts, and notes. Stickers included."

I couldn't get all the pics of this one to save, so that's why I included the description.. Doesn't it sound great?! I love Lilly Pulitzer, I think their stuff is SO cute & girly, but I'm still stuck on that first one having a box for each day to write the applicable to-do list. But knowing me, & I have to be honest, I would probably still write it on a sticky note & stick it on that week. Ok so I think I just made my decision?! How easy was that? Well, now I'm really excited about this year! Knowing I can plan it in style :)

That's all for tonight, & I guess was pretty boring & lame. But hopefully I'll outdo myself & leave even less time between posts. I have so many amazing people & things happening right now in my life, I can't possibly wait too long! As a matter of fact, I'm going to start a list of topics to tackle. I know I did that in the post before last, but there are more now! & not all of them need to be written about for therapeutic reasons, but for celebratory reasons! That's a great thing!

Stay tuned ;) Xx0