Tough Times Don't Last... Tough People Do.

Alright, so I know the last few posts of mine have been kinda' heavy, so if you're sick of it, skip on to the next blog on your reading list because this is going to be a heavy one. Maybe it's selfish & maybe I'm incredibly self-absorbed, but this blog is my outlet. It serves as a diary for me at times & I usually feel better if I can just get things off my chest. It's late, so it might be short, if that makes those of you rolling your eyes feel any better!

I seriously cannot, for the life of me, figure out what my problem is lately. I have been such a hot mess! I've been sick most of last week & am starting to feel semi-normal today but it has thrown me for a complete loop. Not only was I feeling less like myself before I got sick, but now it's even worse. I hate being sick. I hate not being productive & like anyone, I hate feeling like poo. Unfortunately life still goes on & I had to try & keep up with my regularly scheduled obligations. (I.E. Work... Ugh.) Unfortunately serving is not the kind of job you want to have & be forced to go to when you really need to be taking it easy. Not that any job is, but being on your feet running wings & beer for 6 hours straight to needy people just isn't what a doctor would order. I was on my way to my 5 o'clock shift on Sunday when I just decided, enough is enough. At what point do I say skip it, I need to take care of myself? Well, Sunday was it. I turned around & called the manager on duty & let him know I was sorry, but I just couldn't make it. Needless to say he was annoyed, but I just couldn't let it stress me out... I had to focus on resting & getting well so I could make it to my shifts this week. I come to work today tired, (which seems to be my current state at all times this month,) but still ready to work. Long story longer, a huge black line was marked through my name & all my shifts for the week. Everyone knew but me. Everyone. I talked to the GM, who luckily was there, & he seemed pretty confused by the whole situation as well. The manager who had 'terminated' me hadn't bothered to mention it to his own boss. Awesome. So tomorrow I get to call & ask to come in & talk to the manager who crossed me out & try to see what's up & maybe work it out.

Honestly though.... What else?? I feel like everything is being dumped on me at once. It can't just be one thing, it has to be a million. I hate to be pity-partying all over the place, but mother of pearl. I feel exhausted. I don't even know that I care enough to explain all this nonsense that's been going on to the manager tomorrow, so maybe he'll have some sympathy & work things out with me. I've never been this dramatic, always have crap going on, kind of person. I leave it at home, it never gets in the way of work. Work is one of the things I use to escape any crap that's going on. I mean, I've never been fired from a job in my LIFE. I take work too seriously for that to happen. For crying out loud, I was with one company for 6 years!! & left on my own terms! I don't know... I just feel like as soon as I get the strength to pick myself back up, I fall again.

BUT, I am trusting that everything happens for a reason. If one event has nothing to do with another, & all this just happens in our life for no reason, then I wouldn't be the person I am today. None of us would. It's going to be a tough time for me for a little longer I think, but deep down I know I'm strong & I know I can make it through. I have my family, my health-ish ;), friends & a man who love me... As long as I have that as my base, I can make it through anything! A great quote I love... "It's not how many times we fall in life, it's how many times we RiSE." & like the title of this post says... Tough times don't last. They really don't... I've been through some serious shiz before & I know it doesn't last forever. I'm in the thick of some tough times now, but I'm a tough person so I will last!!

Ok now, I'm not going to leave you completely hanging... I do have something positive to post! I am a substitute teacher for Fayette Co. (what a joke, right? ME... Hot mess & all influencing the young & impressionable minds of KY,) & if I could do it full time, I totally would. But getting called in for jobs just doesn't happen as regularly as I need it to. But I've got one for tomorrow!!! Get to go back to my Creek Dawgs & sub for 9-12 grade English classes! YAY!!! That's sure to lift my spirits because I LOVE getting up & going to substitute teach!! :)))

XO Lovies.. Hope I wasn't too depressing!!

SATC - Like a Bible

I can't tell you how many times Sex & the City has given me insight on life, or helped me see a situation in a different &, most of the time, clearer light. I know it sounds lame, because it's just a tv show (&, ahem, 2 movies,) but sometimes I see so much of myself in those women. Their struggles, trials, tribulations, & sometimes even their triumphs. I think a lot of women can, really. If I owned the seasons on DVD (Why don't I, anyway? Mental note: Add to shopping list!) I would be able to watch them, & depending on where I was in my life, gain something each time I watched. It's just always so current... The issues I mean. Sorry SJP, but your hair in the first couple episodes just doesn't translate to 2011. Which brings me to this little gem I found on a friend's blog. I've read the quote before, but it resonated with me more today than ever before. This goes perfectly with my post from last night! See below!!


XOX Lovies!!

New Year, New me!

Happy 2011!!

So every year I pretty much avoid resolutions... My follow-through is pretty lacking. But this year is a different year & my life is a lot different then it used to be. Lately I feel like I'm not really myself... Almost like I don't know who I am anymore. So much is changing, I am in such an odd place. A place I never thought I would be in a million years. Bo & I are happy, but like any couple that's been together for a significant amount of time, we struggle sometimes. We've been together for 4 years, almost 4 & 1/2, & sometimes I wonder if moving in together when we did was the right thing. I miss my independence... I miss (some things) about living apart. I was completely self sufficient. I needed no one & did everything on my own. I am in no way sick of Bo, nor do I feel like we never have enough time to ourselves, or any of the common complaints of couples living together. I just miss having a place of my own. Really, all I have is my room & even that is in "Bo's" house. Maybe I'm crazy but I've never lived alone, & parts of me want that so much. But what's the point? Like Bo said; if we can't live together now, then we shouldn't even get married. But at the same time, what's the harm in backing off a little? Not because I feel like our relationship needs to take a step back, but that I do. Like I said, I've never lived alone... I lived at home, lived in a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate (what a learning experience,) & then moved in with Bo. Sometimes I wonder if that was smart. But I will say one thing... I thought long & hard about moving in with him. It was a huge decision, as it should have been, & because I plan to marry him & spend the rest of my life with him, & because I can say that with confidence & assurance (& happiness!) I moved in & really, had & have, no plans of moving out. But there is that part of me that wonders what another year could have hurt. He's in no rush, I'm in no rush, really. What was another year? Maybe two?

But the thing is, I don't particularly care about living alone... I don't feel crowded, I don't feel unhappy here, I really couldn't ask for a better situation than living with my best friend in the world, the person whom I love & who loves me more than I deserve, & really, the best roommate I could dream up. I just feel like the fact that this is not my own roof that I'm keeping over my own head, completely on my own, has caused me to lose part of myself. I have lost pride in myself, confidence in myself, the self-respect I always had & never failed to remind myself of when I felt down & out. I don't think I was cocky, but I was sure of myself. Sure of my abilities & my life in general. Now I'm kind of confused.

I've noticed since I left the office ('the' office... Whole other story that we just don't have time for,) I have lost structure in my life. I am a lot happier, don't get me wrong... I haaaated that job with a passion, but so much has changed since I left there. It's like that was the one constant, the one thing that would never change & now it has & everything has just up & changed with it. Maybe the whole 'living on my own' thing is selfish. But I can't help what I feel, I guess.

But like the title of this post says; New Year, New Me! I plan to be completely honest with myself this year. That is my one resolution. No matter how much it scares me, I will be honest with myself about absolutely everything. I feel like I need to spend more time getting to know myself & spend more time, really, deciding who I am & the person I want to be. Maybe that's why I feel like I'm in an odd place in my life... I'm wondering more & more who I am, who I'm becoming, & if I'm making the right choices. All the time I'm afraid I'm making mistakes, second guessing myself left & right. I feel like if I'm honest with myself, always, I won't feel this way about absolutely everything anymore. Definitely a good goal for me to start the year out with, I think!

I was off all day today (what a tuh-reat!) & I spent some time relaxing, shopping, & now I plan to do a little cleaning. I get really motivated at night, when most are already in bed. I'm not sure why, but I'm using it to my advantage!

XOXO

Blessed.

Check me out! New header, hey heyyy!! I'm pretty pumped about it personally!

So I'm back from the boonies aka Eastern KY! I feel lucky I even made it back... I was almost snowed in! Honestly, if I didn't have to work a double the day after Christmas I probably would have been fine to stay snowed in. It might have been kind of nice! But only kind of, let's not get too crazy.

I'm off today & as you can see, (new header + new post) I'm being productive! Current state: On the couch, 80's jams playing, cup of coffee close by, & a completed To Do List for the errands I plan to run today! I love this day!!

Let's recap Christmas though... Shall we? Strap yourself in, because it was a hot mess.

So my mom, sister, & I arrived in Seco (the BFE town my grandparents live in,) the day before Christmas eve. As I mentioned in my last post, my grandma had started refusing to take her medication, & as we learned when we got there, is incredibly frail. It's like taking care of a child... She can literally do nothing on her own. Not to mention she is very much out of it. Nothing she says makes much sense & it's so difficult to talk to her. My Poppy, needless to say, is exhausted & exasperated. But God love him, he's powering through it, just like he has in every other aspect of his life. I feel so blessed to have someone like him in my life. He is such an inspiration to me because of his perseverance in tough times (& all times) & I really hope I can be just half the person he is. I hope the person I marry sticks by me & cares for me the way he has my Nana. He has truly been with her in sickness & in health, & I firmly believe that only death will part them. How amazing is that? You can see the pain in his eyes when my grandma is confused about who he is & you can also see the incredible love he has for her through that pain. My heart breaks for him every day, & that's what made this Christmas so difficult. The situation they are both in is just tough, to say the least.

Now on to the day of Christmas Eve. My grandpa was having lunch (leftover porkchop) & while he was eating, my grandma yelled for help. It startled him so much that he gasped & there went a piece of porkchop back into his throat. Ultimately y'all, it gets freaking stuck & he can't get any liquids or food past it. We wait 24 hours & take him to the hospital on Christmas day. & believe me, getting him to the hospital was a test on everyone's patience & nerves. He fought us about it for a long, & I mean L-O-N-G, time. But whatever, he went. But I mean really? Merry Cluster Christmas. He's fine now, they got it out after a one night stay, but good grief... What else? Honestly, what else can happen? The entire process was a complete mess & stress for everyone involved. But I can't help but laugh at this point... This kind of shiz happens to only our family. Really.

I made it back, safe & sound, late Christmas day & tried to enjoy some time with Boski. We exchanged gifts & just chillaxed! I was glad to be home, but ever since I came back, I've had a pretty heavy heart. I feel guilty sometimes leaving my grandparents because I feel like I should do something to make their situation easier... But what can I do? The resistance to change alone is like going head on into a brick wall at 100 miles an hour. I just pray every day that things will get better & I have to trust that everything happens for a reason. This Christmas, as tough as it was, helped me realize the many blessings I have in my life. I have an amazing family & support system. No matter what I do my family is behind me & no matter what happens, we all stick together. Through thick & thin, as my Nana used to tell me when I was little! I missed seeing Boski's family this year & that was another blessing I couldn't help but recognize... I basically have a second family. Not only do I have one great family, I have two! Two!! Throughout the pain this situation with my grandparents has caused, I am still so lucky. & I can't thank whoever is out there looking after me enough, because things could be so much worse, & I'm incredibly blessed that they aren't!

So that's my update... Nothing incredibly exciting... For us anyway. We're all used to it! :) I am staying positive & trusting that everything is alright & as it should be. Now to continue enjoying my day off!! Did I mention I'm off tomorrow too? Yaaaa!!

X0<3!!

3 Days! And...

Yes! Just 3 short days! I cannot believe how time has flown by! As I get older I feel like each year gets even shorter... & this was definitely one of those years.

I'll probably be MIA for a little while (psh, like I'm always in touch as it is,) as I'm leaving early tomorrow for Eastern KY to be with family for the holiday! If anything especially exciting happens, I will definitely follow up with a post. I cannot wait to see my grandparents... It was so hard to leave them after TGiving! They treat me like I have absolutely hung the freaking moon. Like I'm their princess & they spoil me with compliments & love... So much love! What girl wouldn't love to be around that?! They mean the world to me & each additional Christmas with them, at this point, is incredibly precious to me. This will most likely be my Nana's last Christmas with us. She has Alzheimer's & it's getting much worse very quickly. My Poppy is her sole caretaker & is unable to get her to eat or take any of her medication. She visited the doctor a couple days ago & has pneumonia in her left lung & of course, refuses to take her antibiotics. They've done IV antibiotics, thankfully, but she won't take any pills. The sudden rebellion is disturbing to me, & is somewhat unexplainable. She's become increasingly combative ever since the disease started to get worse, especially with my Poppy. He seems to be the person she directs all her anger towards, I guess because he's always with her. I can't wait to get there & just give him love. I love him with all my heart & know he's hurting so much... More than I can comprehend. I hate that & just want to hug him forever.

It sounds odd, but for the most part, I feel like I've started to let my Nana go already. She hasn't been herself in so long, I almost feel like she's already gone. Of course there are rare moments where she seems closer to being the Nana I know & love, but for the most part, she's just not herself at all. I am sad, incredibly sad, about the way things are at the present moment but I've really started preparing myself for what's to come. I'm scared of what I'll feel when she actually does leave us. But these are things that happen to everyone eventually. I'm starting to get very used to changes... Big changes. I know I'm strong & I have an amazing support system behind me, so I know I'll get through it. & it's comforting to know that she will go to a better place & get to be with all the loved ones she's lost throughout her life. & she'll always be in my heart. Always.

Ok then! Here's something that definitely makes me smile!!

Looooove that Santa baby!!

Well, that's it for me... I have a few more gifts to finish up, a kitchen to finish cleaning, laundry that never ends, & packing to get to! X's&O's <3>

8 Days!!

10 Days!