New Year, New me!

Happy 2011!!

So every year I pretty much avoid resolutions... My follow-through is pretty lacking. But this year is a different year & my life is a lot different then it used to be. Lately I feel like I'm not really myself... Almost like I don't know who I am anymore. So much is changing, I am in such an odd place. A place I never thought I would be in a million years. Bo & I are happy, but like any couple that's been together for a significant amount of time, we struggle sometimes. We've been together for 4 years, almost 4 & 1/2, & sometimes I wonder if moving in together when we did was the right thing. I miss my independence... I miss (some things) about living apart. I was completely self sufficient. I needed no one & did everything on my own. I am in no way sick of Bo, nor do I feel like we never have enough time to ourselves, or any of the common complaints of couples living together. I just miss having a place of my own. Really, all I have is my room & even that is in "Bo's" house. Maybe I'm crazy but I've never lived alone, & parts of me want that so much. But what's the point? Like Bo said; if we can't live together now, then we shouldn't even get married. But at the same time, what's the harm in backing off a little? Not because I feel like our relationship needs to take a step back, but that I do. Like I said, I've never lived alone... I lived at home, lived in a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate (what a learning experience,) & then moved in with Bo. Sometimes I wonder if that was smart. But I will say one thing... I thought long & hard about moving in with him. It was a huge decision, as it should have been, & because I plan to marry him & spend the rest of my life with him, & because I can say that with confidence & assurance (& happiness!) I moved in & really, had & have, no plans of moving out. But there is that part of me that wonders what another year could have hurt. He's in no rush, I'm in no rush, really. What was another year? Maybe two?

But the thing is, I don't particularly care about living alone... I don't feel crowded, I don't feel unhappy here, I really couldn't ask for a better situation than living with my best friend in the world, the person whom I love & who loves me more than I deserve, & really, the best roommate I could dream up. I just feel like the fact that this is not my own roof that I'm keeping over my own head, completely on my own, has caused me to lose part of myself. I have lost pride in myself, confidence in myself, the self-respect I always had & never failed to remind myself of when I felt down & out. I don't think I was cocky, but I was sure of myself. Sure of my abilities & my life in general. Now I'm kind of confused.

I've noticed since I left the office ('the' office... Whole other story that we just don't have time for,) I have lost structure in my life. I am a lot happier, don't get me wrong... I haaaated that job with a passion, but so much has changed since I left there. It's like that was the one constant, the one thing that would never change & now it has & everything has just up & changed with it. Maybe the whole 'living on my own' thing is selfish. But I can't help what I feel, I guess.

But like the title of this post says; New Year, New Me! I plan to be completely honest with myself this year. That is my one resolution. No matter how much it scares me, I will be honest with myself about absolutely everything. I feel like I need to spend more time getting to know myself & spend more time, really, deciding who I am & the person I want to be. Maybe that's why I feel like I'm in an odd place in my life... I'm wondering more & more who I am, who I'm becoming, & if I'm making the right choices. All the time I'm afraid I'm making mistakes, second guessing myself left & right. I feel like if I'm honest with myself, always, I won't feel this way about absolutely everything anymore. Definitely a good goal for me to start the year out with, I think!

I was off all day today (what a tuh-reat!) & I spent some time relaxing, shopping, & now I plan to do a little cleaning. I get really motivated at night, when most are already in bed. I'm not sure why, but I'm using it to my advantage!

XOXO